Amazing Grace

Before I became a Baal Teshuvah I explored some other spiritual paths. While I was on those journeys I visited various "holy sites" around the world, and while in some places I did experience chien, mostly they were just a place. When people ask me if I have been to Eretz Yisrael, I always give a plausible reason why I haven't. But the real reason is that what if I go and the light does not shine down on me? What if I go and The Wall is just a wall? Will this alter my emunah? Will my emunah withstand that blow? So I don't test it, and I don't go.

Now the reason that I mention all this is that I am planning to make the pilgrimage to Uman this next Rosh Hashanah, G-d willing. And the word pilgrimage has a certain connotation of receiving chein at the conclusion of the journey. I've seen the photos and videos of people in Uman with tears streaming down their faces, people on their knees, with their open hands raised, screaming out to Hashem, people having a total emotional breakdown. I want to be one of those people. I have been touched by chein and have stood laughing and sobbing and crying out, all at the same time, and I long to experience that again. But what if I don't? What if I go to Uman, and ... well.. there I am in Uman?

So I have been thinking about this, and with that synchronicity that happens when Hashem pushes you in the direction that you ask to go, I just read this in Likutey Moharan 17:2 :

there are times when the tzaddik's light is obscured from a person and he does not merit understanding or seeing the tzaddik's great light. And even if he is by the tzaddik, he cannot taste, understand or see the tzaddik's great light......when the tzaddik's light is obscured from a person. This light radiates in all the worlds, especially in this world. Even so, for him it does not shine at all. Quite the reverse, for him it is dark. This comes as a result of shameful deeds and foolishness.....the rectification for this, in order to subdue and eliminate foolishness, is through the concept of the altar.....the altar is in a rectified state when eating is performed properly... by eating properly, foolishness is subdued and the intellect is elevated.

The elucidation states that eating properly consists of: eating slowly with dignity, eating kosher food, washing hands before and after eating, and reciting the blessings before and after eating, with kavanah. Now prior to reading this I would avoid eating bread just so I didn't have to slog through birkat hamazon afterwards, now, to the puzzlement of my family, I have become Mr. Grace-after-meals. I say bring on the toast and sandwiches just so I get to bentch some more.

Now this takes care of eating from here on, but what about prior to this when my eating was maybe not so good? In L.H. 17:5 Rabbenu says:

by giving charity to more people, a larger area of tranquil and pure air comes into existence. Accordingly, the more he gives to greater amounts of people and acquires additional friends and loved ones - as "wealth adds many friends" - the greater and greater the area of tranquil and pure air grows and increases, Therefore, the main thing is to give charity to genuine tzaddikim and deserving paupers the elucidation says: Giving charity to more people creates a greater tranquility, allowing more people to hear the words, (of the tzaddik) until the tzaddik's words can traverse the entire globe. But when hatred exists, the storm-wind prevents even a person standing right next to the tzaddik from hearing the words of faith. Therefore, the first act one should perform to rectify his foolishness (i.e. blemishing the altar by improperly eating) [i.e., to clear the air] is to give charity